Childhood Trauma and Adversity

I specialise in childhood trauma and linked experiences such as parental invalidation, neglect, mental health difficulties and addiction; parentification; abuse; and bullying

Childhood Bullying and Not Fitting In

Bullying during childhood is common but is nonetheless a profound experience that can leave lasting scars, influencing the adult we grow into. Often, we can be left with a sense insecurity or self-criticism, as if the bully’s voice has got trapped in our heads, however much we want to leave them behind.

It can also be really tough to feel somehow like we don’t fit in. Humans have a strong, instinctual need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance from the group, because historically, if we were rejected by the group we wouldn’t survive. It can therefore feel like a real, existential threat to not fit in and consequentially feel terribly distressing.

Sometimes individuals are diagnosed with ADHD, autism or other neurodiversity in adulthood and realise that the “not fitting in” was not because they were different per se, but just outnumbered by neurotypical children who were not good at understanding them.

Therapy can help you understand these experiences better, and start to let go of any lingering self-criticism, shame, and feelings of alienation and aloneness; towards feelings of self-acceptance and belonging.

Parental Neglect and Invalidation

Parents almost always love their children and are trying their best but sometimes they are not able to give children everything they need, perhaps because of their own emotional resources or outside influences on the family.

Children need encouragement, nurture, and to be seen as important to their parents and valued in their own right (instead of for achievements). It is also critical that feelings are acknowledged and validated. When children do not get enough of these things, they are not able to develop emotionally as they should, and will often go onto struggle with managing feelings, self esteem, and forming healthy relationships.

Therapy can help to identify and work with these difficulties, and help individuals learn to accept and cope with emotions, value themselves, and explore new options for close and caring relationships with friends and intimate relationships.

 

Parental Mental Health Difficulties, Addiction, and Parentification

Some parents struggle with their mental health, and whilst most will try to protect their children from the effects of this, children are exquisitely sensitive to parental emotions and can often be affected.

In some families, parents will also or instead be struggling with their alcohol use, or addicted to a different substance, which present differently but can lead to similarly upsetting effects on children.

A common experience is that children are not quite treated as children and are instead consulted like a friend or another adult in the home. Such children are left feeling responsible for the parent and learn to put aside their own feelings and needs in service of their family. This can affect children’s development.

Frequently, children with these kinds of experiences will struggle with guilt, shame, blame – and underneath, sometimes there is some anger and resentment too. Therapy can be helpful to untangle these feelings, learn – and feel - that it really wasn’t your fault, and start to value and prioritise yourself instead.

Abuse

Unfortunately, a great number of UK children experience abuse every year. Experiences include emotional abuse, for example, making cruel or disparaging remarks to children; physical abuse, such as hitting children; and sexual abuse.

Individuals may not find it easy to recognise that they were abused, particularly if the adults around them did not acknowledge or safeguard from the abuse.

Some of the most damaging effects of abuse are known to come from children not being believed or protected when they tried to get help.

Adults abused as children can go onto have good self-esteem, stable moods and fulfilling friendships and relationships. Therapy can be very helpful to put these difficult experiences behind, in the past, and move onto what you want from life.

Sometimes individuals want to talk directly about what happened to them, and sometimes this may not be the right time for that, and instead it is more helpful to learn how to cope with difficult feelings. The most important thing is that you feel in control, and find a therapist you can talk to and who can go at your pace.

Childhood Trauma

There is a growing recognition of the long-lasting impact of childhood trauma.

Trauma can include big events, like something life-threatening, or an accumulation of small but nonetheless unmanageable experiences.

Therapy can be very helpful to create a sense of freedom from the past, create feelings of calmness and safety, and feel more secure in yourself and your relationships.

How do I feel better?

I tend to use a combination of different therapies including:

Cognitive analytic therapy, which focuses on your early and current relationships, as well as your relationship to yourself

 EMDR, which can help you let go of distressing past memories and cope better with current or upcoming stressors

Compassion focussed therapy, which has very helpful exercises to help us feel calmer, soothed and cared for

 You can feel better

You can and will feel better with the right support. Reach out today if you are interested in speaking further about how I can help you.