Why Can’t I Say No?
The Surprising Causes of People Pleasing
People pleasing involves consistently putting others’ needs ahead of your own, to your own detriment. Not sure if you fit the definition? Here are some signs that you may be a people pleaser.
Do you:
· Find it difficult to say no?
· Worry what others think of you?
· Second guess yourself and what others want from you?
· Sometimes feel resentful, or that others are taking advantage of you?
· Feel exhausted and burnt out
Sometimes people realise they’ve been people pleasing when they have given 100% and more to a friendship, find themselves in need of support, and realise that the giving in the relationship is unilateral. At other times you might generally end up feeling fed up and exhausted because you’ve been saying yes to others for fear of causing offence, but have been left with no time for yourself.
Consequences of people pleasing
People pleasing can operate as an effective way to make sure others stick around, as you are good at intuiting what others need, looking after them, fitting in with what they want. Unfortunately, it can mean you end up feeling taken for granted, with your own feelings and needs neglected. Consequences include:
· Disconnection and isolation from others, as you feel taken for granted or angry
· You may sometimes get so fed up that you explode, but then feel guilty and worried
· You may find it hard to know who you are or what you want, as you are so good at fitting in with others
All of these factors may further reinforce a sense of feeling unsure about yourself, that others should not be trusted, that they may reject you, or may not like the real you. These feelings lead you back into people pleasing.
Why do I people please?
People pleasing can be explained in at least three different ways:
Evolutionary
Humans evolved to live in groups. Back in early civilisation, a human who was shunned and exiled by their group would likely die. Fitting in, being liked and avoiding rejection were all important and valid survival strategies that we carry with us. Even today, humans are social animals. Most people would agree that we need to feel included and connected to others to be happy. People pleasing is therefore a manifestation of this need for inclusion and belonging.
Early relationship patterns
The relationships we form with our parents (or caregivers) form an emotional blueprint of how we expect other people to behave towards us, and how we should behave in return. In our adult lives we will naturally recreate these patterns, unless we have had a good opportunity to understand them, recognise when we are being drawn into them, and feel we have options to respond differently.
People pleasing is commonly seen when parents or caregivers have been:
· Physically unavailable or absent. Perhaps they worked long hours or had a split custody relationship.
· Emotionally unavailable. They may have been stressed, struggling with psychological issues, in conflict with one another, or preoccupied with another family member or problem.
· Unable to interpret their child’s feelings, for a variety of reasons.
Children are wholly dependent on the parent to keep them safe and can feel threatened when a parent is unavailable or not able to tune into their emotional state. The child may interpret the resulting feeling of insecurity as meaning they need to work hard to ensure their parent notices them, cares about them, or sticks around. In some cases the child may fear that a true expression of their feelings could lead to anger and hostility, or breakdown in their parent(s).
The child learns to hide their feelings and in some cases to take on a caregiving role towards their parent. If this applies to you, you may also have many happy and loving memories with your parents, but the difference is, you took on the responsibility of managing your feelings in order to protect the relationship. This pattern can persist in adulthood in the form of people pleasing.
Social and Cultural Factors
Humanity’s great success as a species is arguably down to one factor: our great adaptability to the environment we are born into. A baby growing up in Nepal will learn different ways to relate, compared to a baby growing up in England. People pleasing is therefore as much a cultural phenomenon as it is psychological.
We could look at many aspects of culture, but here I will focus on one that I have come across often in my work: gender, and in particular, identifying as a woman. Female gender is associated with qualities including people pleasing, compliance and conflict avoidance. Girls are socialised to develop these qualities. They may be praised when they take account of others’ feelings, encouraged to nurture (e.g. dolls) and sanctioned more than boys for antisocial behaviour. As a child I remember repeating The Girl Guide’s promise, “I will be kind and helpful,” whereas Boy Scouts were merely asked to be “helpful”. Girls are set up to be people pleasers.
In adulthood, such pressures continue on women, for example if a woman has achieved a leadership role that demands assertive communication and conflict, she may be labelled a “bitch” for transgressing cultural expectations that women should people please.
People pleasing can therefore protect women from rejection and shame from a society that demands they put their needs aside to care for others.
Trauma and The Fawn Response
Perhaps you’ve heard of the “fight or flight” response, a hardwired response to overwhelming threat. It’s been suggested that another category of response is, “fawn.” This is often seen when parents or caregivers were frightening, and the child’s best strategy to get their needs met was to try and appease their bad moods. We can imagine this - a six year old confronted with a consistently angry parent is most likely to get some degree of care if they minimise their needs, hide their emotions and focus on improving their parents’ mood. Later in adulthood, the response persists, leading to confusing situations where in the face of conflict, the person desperately seeks to “fix” it and appease the other person, even when this doesn’t make sense. For example, if a stranger knocked at your door and started to shout at you, you might try and calm them down and make them feel better, rather than shut the door and perhaps call the police. The fawn response previously helped you to survive, and so it has now become hair-triggered, and set off by situations where it is no longer the best strategy for your safety, or indeed where no real safety threat is present.
What Can I Do About People Pleasing?
A little knowledge can feel like a dangerous thing - you may be at the point where you can identify yourself as a people pleaser, but despite your best efforts, have found it impossible to stop. This can be supremely irritating, and lead into a vicious cycle where you beat yourself up, further lower your self esteem, and thus find it even harder to let go of it. At a minimum, it is important to treat yourself with compassion, and understand that it is a learnt behaviour that can be really tricky to stop.
Underlying most people pleasing is a total fear of rejection or abandonment by others. Strategies that help you to soothe this fear can be really helpful, for example, exercises from compassion focussed therapy. Cognitive analytic therapy can also be very helpful to understand yourself in relationships, where people pleasing has come from, as well as giving options for you to make changes.
Conclusions
If you find yourself people pleasing you may feel a sense of frustration about being unable to break free of this habit. However, it has likely operated as a form of survival strategy to cope with the particular social world you have been born into.
You can escape people pleasing! But rather than blaming yourself for finding it hard to say no, it may be beneficial to start by trying to understand the reasons you do this.
If you are interested in therapy for people pleasing, contact me to discuss how I may be able to help you move past this thorny issue.